Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday…..in theory.

In reality, it’s filled with people, relationships, expectations and memories.

The problem is that people are not perfect. Families are not perfect. Relationships are not perfect. When big holidays come, especially family gathering’s, it’s natural to have a fantasy picture and expectations creep into your mind.

If you’re like me, you might imagine people smiling, laughing, engaging around a warm fireplace and beautifully cooked meal.

Let me tell you, we’re not the only ones. When looking for stock photos of “Thanksgiving” I didn’t find pictures of people pouting, texting under the table, sitting in a different room, drunk, high or arguing. I didn’t find pictures of someone looking at their phone hoping it will ring, the empty chair missing a loved one, or the look on an adult’s face when they feel like a child again, criticized or judged by their parents.

The truth is, holidays can hurt.

Why? Because we all love the idea of a warm, loving experience for a family holiday. Listen, there’s nothing wrong with that. The trick to enjoying the holidays is to be prepared mentally.

So, first let’s understand what can happen to us to impact our mental health during the holidays?

  • We feel like a child again. When around family, it’s very common to “revert back” to your role as a child in the family. It’s not uncommon to feel like a child being scolded, wanting your parents approval or feeling competitive or in conflict with your siblings. It’s very natural–even as a fully grown, mature, successful adult. It can happen to all of us. It’s also very helpful to be mindful of this phenomenon. Catch yourself and say “Oh, I’m feeling like a little kid right now. I’m not a kid anymore and I don’t have to behave this way, or let others talk or treat me like this.”
  • We can be triggered by the past. Family reminds us of happy times, but also old wounds hurts. Oftentimes families tell the same stories at holidays. Sometimes those stories are not flattering of you or others in your family. While they may be funny or silly, if it bothers you, remind yourself that you are okay. You can also set a boundary and say something like, “You know, we tell that story a lot. It’s really not flattering of me, and I feel upset. Could we pick a different story this year?”
  • We are triggered by our family’s comments or behavior. While we know no one is perfect, we can still be triggered when someone makes an off comment, or even a look. Our families behavior, conversations, comments, critiques can catch us off guard and really hurt or upset us.
  • We compare. It’s easy to look around at holidays and notice how others seem to be doing so well, having a great time, connecting and happy. Especially if you’re scrolling on social media, everyone’s holiday and life seem great. We often compare ourselves and the reality we know of our lives with the limited picture we see with others. Remind yourself that only you know your entire reality, and you have no idea what’s actually happening behind the perfect picture you see in other people’s lives.

What can you do to prepare yourself mentally for the holidays?

To prepare for these triggers, you need to put the logical part of your brain in charge. It is hard to fight off our initial survival-based behavior (arguing, escaping, or hiding) when it is so instinctual. But, take hope — you can do it! Even therapists have to work at it.

The best way to stop our brains from getting triggered is to become an observer.

Simply notice the details of the family interactions. Try not to judge them as good or bad. Instead, act like you are a social researcher. Notice the behaviors of people during the holiday interaction. Be curious. Be open. Just notice. When you do that–you can stay in your logical part of your brain.

Here’s a fun & entertaining game to stop our brains from being triggered.

Family Holiday Bingo.

Family Holiday Bingo is a fun way to engage the logical part of our brains when you’re around people that easily trigger you.

Here’s how you do it:

  • Fill in a bingo card with expected, anticipated behaviors from family members. Think about the things your family may do that will really trigger you.
  • Then, as you go through your holiday, you can enjoy yourself and have fun observing these behaviors.
  • Keep your card hidden and know you’ll fill it in later with all the quirky things you expect your family to do.
  • When the day is over, mark the squares to see how accurate you were.

It’s fun to have a partner in crime for this game too, whether it’s a trusted partner, or a friend playing their own “Family Holiday Bingo” game at a different event. You can even just text “BINGO” at the end of a stressful holiday to a trusted friend or partner for a smile and laugh.

The point is to swap the upsetting trigger feelings with those of amusement. It helps make the holiday more enjoyable and allows you to connect more with your quirky family.

Try finding a “Bingo Buddy” and share this with them, so you can have your game plan in place for this Holiday Season! If you are in need of a “Bingo Buddy” or trusted ally this season, we have therapists who are amazing at helping you prepare, unpack and learn from your holiday season so you grow and come out a better, stronger version of yourself.

Life is simply too precious and too short. You and your family deserve to be happy, confident and free to live a great life!

Support is just a call, text or email away.

Call or text (847) 919-9096 or email [email protected]