💬 The Roommate Talk: Conversations to Have *Before* Move-In Day

**Written by the therapists at Inspire Counseling Center for students, parents & everyone heading into a new chapter**

Starting college is exciting—but let’s be honest, it can also be overwhelming.

Moving into college is exciting—new freedom, new friendships, and yes, new décor. But while planning your dorm theme might be at the top of your list, there’s something more important to talk about first: how you and your roommate are going to live together. You’re stepping into a brand-new environment, surrounded by new people, new routines… and often, a brand-new **roommate.**

Living with someone new can bring up a lot—especially if it’s your first time sharing a space that’s both private *and* public. Misunderstandings around small things (like noise levels or who’s supposed to clean up) can build up fast, leading to tension, isolation, or even mental health struggles.
Taking time to talk now can help you avoid resentment later.

As a therapists who support college students, we’ve seen how these five conversations are essential before move-in day. When students set expectations *early*, communicate honestly, and create boundaries from the start, it can make the difference between a supportive roommate relationship… and one that causes stress, anxiety, or even loneliness.

Start With Communication—Then Pick the Throw Pillows
After all, your dorm will be your new home. You should feel like a safe, comfortable space—and that starts with honest conversations. Decorating is fun, but connection and respect are what truly make a shared space work. Take the time to get to know how your roommate lives, feels, and communicates. You’ll thank yourself later.

While it may be tempting to focus on the fun stuff—like who’s bringing the mini fridge or what color your duvet covers should be—there are a few *far more important* conversations to have first.

So before you unpack your boxes—start here.

5 Conversations Every College Roommate Should Have Before Move-In Day

#1. Chores & Clean-Up: Who’s Doing What?

It may sound silly, but this is one of the TOP triggers for conflict. Whether it’s a tiny dorm bathroom or a shared suite kitchen, you’ll need a plan. Talk about:

• Who’s responsible for washing dishes or taking out the trash?
• Do you alternate cleaning weeks? Share the load?
• What’s your definition of “clean”?

💡 *Therapist Tip:* Try asking: “What was your home like growing up in terms of tidiness? How do you feel most comfortable in a shared space?” or Create a simple weekly cleaning schedule together—it saves stress later.

#2. Pet Peeves & Personal Quirks
Everyone has *something* that gets under their skin—be honest about yours. Even the best roommates have quirks. Share yours early so your roommate doesn’t accidentally hit a nerve.
Start with:

• What’s one thing that drives you nuts that I wouldn’t know unless you told me? (i.e., leaving hair in the sink, loud music or alarms, Borrowing things without asking, etc.”
• Are you okay with music playing in the morning?
• Do you need quiet time before bed?
• How do you feel about people eating in the room—or loud chewing?
• Do you need a sound machine to sleep, or dead quiet?

💡 *Therapist Tip:* Sharing small irritants up front helps avoid emotional blowups later. It’s not about “fixing” the other person, it’s about awareness and respect.

# 3. How Do You Show Stress? (**And How Should I Respond?)
This one’s a game-changer. Sometimes roommates mistake stress signs for personal offense. Talking about your emotional “tells” helps avoid misunderstandings. For example: “When I’m overwhelmed, I get really quiet.” “If I’m upset, I might slam drawers without realizing it.” Learning these cues helps you check in with compassion—not criticism.

Ask your roommate:
* What does it look like when you’re overwhelmed, burnt out, or emotionally off?
* How do you prefer someone respond—give you space, check in, offer a distraction?

💡 *Therapist Tip:* Everyone has a “poker tell.” The more you understand each other’s emotional cues, the more supportive (and less stressful) the living situation will be.

# 4. Personal Boundaries: What’s Off-Limits for You?
Respect is key—and you both deserve it. Boundaries aren’t “strict” or “bossy.” They’re *healthy*.
Discuss:
* What’s your policy on having guests or sleepovers in the room?
* Do you need quiet time to get ready in the morning or after a long day?
* Are there times you prefer to be alone in the room?

💡 *Therapist Tip:* You don’t have to agree on everything, but you *do* need to create a shared agreement. The clearer the expectations, the better your relationship will be.

# 5. Conflict Plan: What If We Disagree?

Conflict is normal—it’s how you handle it that counts. Discuss preferences like: Talking it out right away vs. waiting. ;No matter how close you are, conflict will happen at some point. The real key? Talk about how to handle it *before* it happens.

Establishing a go-to method now builds emotional safety later.

• Ask their preference communicating via text vs. in person
• Try setting a weekly roommate check-in

• If either of us is upset, how should we bring it up?

• What’s one way we can be honest with each other without creating dra

💡 *Therapist Tip:* Make an agreement: “We bring up problems kindly, and we both agree to listen.”

Final Thoughts: Start Strong, Stay Supported

You don’t have to be best friends with your roommate—but you *do* need mutual respect and communication. And if things feel off? You’re not alone.
At Inspire Counseling Center, we specialize in supporting college students as they navigate new environments, transitions, and relationships. From anxiety and homesickness to roommate stress or boundary-setting—we’re here to help.
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