“People often silence themselves, or “agree to disagree” without fully exploring the actual nature of the disagreement, for the sake of protecting a relationship and maintaining connection. But when we avoid certain conversations, and never fully learn how the other person feels about all of the issues, we sometimes end up making assumptions that not only perpetuate but deepen misunderstandings, and that can generate resentment.”
So let’s talk.
Whether friend, child, partner or stranger, do so in a way that supports one another’s dreams within the conflict. Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman (2014) have created some guidelines about where to start in what they call discovering “Dreams Within Conflict”.
They propose two roles in a conversation: one of the speaker and one of the listener.
If you are the speaker, your job is to explore why your perspective on something is important to you as well as what it symbolizes to you. You might describe your past experiences with this dream being met or unmet. You might describe your feelings around this dream and times you feel triggered. Some examples of dreams might include but are not limited to:
-A sense of freedom
-The experience of peace
-Healing
-Building something important
If you are the listener, your job is to be, what the Gottman’s call, the “dream catcher”. You practice active listening by paraphrasing and repeating back. You validate feelings and stories. You ask open-ended questions in an effort to truly understand where the speaker is coming from. You are seeking to understand why this dream is important and how this connects to the speaker’s core beliefs.
You may not leave the conversation having persuaded one another. However, what you will have done is create a safe space of understanding and mutual respect despite your differences.
So let’s talk.
References:
Brown, Brené. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. New York: Random House, 2017.
“Dreams Within Conflict” by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Distributed by The Gottman Institute, Inc. 2014
